I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
