I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
