I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
