It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
