True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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