I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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