just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
