i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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