someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
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