I just cut my nipple shaving
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
