she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
