im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
