im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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