the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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