i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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