I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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