just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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