i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
