I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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