if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
