Screwed.edu
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
