my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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