6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
