I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
