I wish I could teleport
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
