i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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