omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
