I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
