dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
