if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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