Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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