I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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