So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
