Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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