I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
