Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
