The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
