Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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