Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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