I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
