Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
