Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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