Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
