I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
