Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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