my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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