I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
