So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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