When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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