i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
